Here's the deal:

I'm a sub. I fill in for you when you call in sick, go on vacation, pop out an ankle biter, whatevs. Most of the time I Cover the position after you've been fired. Why did you get fired you ask? Because I had to fill in for you.
When I arrived your cart was an utter fucking mess. So I cleaned it. Then proceeded to scrutinize your building with greater attention than your supervisor paid his last 3 visits. Then I report to your supervisor's supervisor and he complains to your supervisor and shit flows downhill my dear.
So! If you are going to call off work, your account better be immaculate.

You Deserve Better Than That

Ladies, you deserve better than that. Really. If you are currently single, write down your standards. Rank them in order of importance. Things like 'Must not molest children' should be high on your list. Please rule out men and women who are abusive of animals .
Some of the standards won't make the list until you've had a couple run ins with the wrong type of partner.
My list of standards includes a few very specific gems:

I will not date men who play video games. Won't do it.
I will not date men who are not discriminating in their social media output. If you repost, retweet, and approve of everything, I can't trust your judgement, because you fail to filter the crap.
I will not date men who get drunk by themselves for lack initiative then complain how they never have time to work towards their dreams. Or worse, I will not date men without dreams and goals of some sort. It's really boring. Alongside men who claim they are outdoorsy and adventurous, until it's time to go adventuring outside. If I, the girl who really only enjoys sports that can be played beer in hand, think your a lazy pussy, well, you're a lazy pussy. Beer in hand or not, at least I'm playing.

Please, don't ever wonder why I'm single. It's because I haven't properly devoted myself to loving the future husband Jesus has chosen for me.

The latest standard added to this list is 'I will not date men with filthy restrooms.'
Please, stop laughing.
Imagine you go out to dinner and have a lovely evening. You're not ready to call it a night so your date suggests kicking back for a movie and snuggling. Sounds good until you arrive at his place and excuse yourself to touch up your make up.
You enter his restroom and there you struggle to overcome the urge to vomit, because you don't want to have to touch the handle on the toilet to flush it down. If his restroom leaves you scrambling for latex gloves and disinfectant spray, he apparently doesn't respect you, or himself.  I don't want to go into specifics, but know this, attractively bearded, tall and handsome, employed, childless man, I don't care how amazing you are, if your restroom is disgusting, it's over. I can't handle it.
*Shuddering in recollection of past dates*
It takes so little effort to clean a restroom, 15 minutes, 1 time each week for maintenance, that I judge you right off that bat if you can't do this one little thing correctly. Especially if it is within the first 6 months of dating, you should be bringing at least your B+ game when it comes to hygiene and cleanliness.

Quitting the Scene (or Letting My Inner Bitch Shine!)

I have a confession. I... I was RAISED, to be, a DIY'er. Every Monday night of the school year was spent at church, with a group of similarly aged girls learning about the Bible and (useless) crafting skills. An eight year old has ZERO purpose for a wooden candlestick holder decorated with lace & baby's breath. Zero. Purpose. Along with painting knick knacks I learned basket weaving, how to paint t-shirts and canvas shoes, pillowcase decorating, and a variety of other skills I needed to be a dutiful housewife. Merit badges included cross stitch, latch hook (rug making) and baking, cake decorating. I also learned how to sew, knit, crochet (an art lost on me).
I was the kid who took classes in the summertime, including woodworking and small engine repair. In order to have an advantage on college applications. Or so I thought. I have books on jewelry making, pottery, and drawing techniques.
I'm not against Doing It Yourself. If you want to spend your spare time making your own sushi, painting faux finishes all over your wall, and making all your children's clothes MORE POWER TO YOU. I will no longer be sucked in. Like baby making, just because I can does not mean I should. I appreciate hand made items, that are on the high end of the quality scale.
Confession: I've ordered items from etsy and been less than impressed. True story. Sad, I know.
Statement for posterity: Like baby making, just because you can doesn't mean you should. And UNLESS YOU ARE REALLY GOOD AT YOUR CHOSEN CRAFT PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SELL YOUR WORK TO HAPLESS FOOLS. You deserve the bad reviews you get.
So I hereby declare: If I can pay someone to complete the craft for me in a more adept manner, I will. I will not attempt to learn the finer points of container gardening, but will instead buy terrariums for my home. I'm not making myself clothes I don't need any longer. I will buy baby gifts for non-family members.
Why? Because I can! I don't work 60+ hours a week to have to angst about 100 and 1! projects in various stages of completion at home. From now on, I will ask myself 'Do I need this?' 'Do I need to do this for myself?' and 'Can I pay someone else to do this for me?' before I start another project.
In addition, I will not volunteer to help you with your hapless attempts at homemade stuff. No more sewing nights with people who don't know how to sew. No more candle making, soap making, or 'It's easy, I'd love to show you how!' NO MORE!
From this day forth, I will focus my energy on my fine art (because I am skilled (see that word, it is important)) and will only knit and see items I cannot find or that have sentimental value.
There, I said it.

Learning Gratitude

You know the bullshit saying you should be thankful for each birthday as some people never get the chance? I'm turning that around to remind myself every time I have to get out of bed to pee at one AM at least I'm not incontinent, I don't have a catheter, and I'm not in a wheelchair. It's the little things, right?

On Sweatpants and the Grocery Mart

When I was living in a small town, there were stores the normal people went to and the store the meth-headed-making-babies-for-the-state-check people went to. We shall not name names. I joked I wasn't qualified to go there because I never had proof of copulation. Really. People went in their semen smear pajamas and 3 day old beards with baby guts hanging over their sweatpants. I could never bring myself to dress appropriately.

To this day I firmly believe it is not okay to wear sweatpants outside of the house after the age of 24 or giving birth. Or if you're a man who doesn't plan to live in your mom's basement all your life. NO SWEATPANTS IN PUBLIC.

Truth? I wear sweatpants outside the house. 

Readers, I have my reasons. 

• I leave for work at 5:30 AM
• The first thing I do at work is take a shower for biosecurity purposes.
• The last thing I do at work is take a shower.
• 50% of the time I'm headed to my other job where I will change into my uniform. 
• 40% of the time I'm headed home to get dressed in pretty clothes to go out or to change into "studio clothes to work on a project that is messy.

The problem is in the other 10% of the time when I might run an errand after work.

So I have rules.

The rules for sweatpants outside the house are as follows.

1. Sweatpants must be black.
2. Sweatpants must be clean.
3. Track pants and basketball shorts are not sweatpants and should never be worn in public. Even if you're a pimp or multi-platinum rap artist or professional basketball player off the court.
4. Active pants (yoga pants) fall into the same category as sweatparnts.
5. Sweatpants must have a flat hem. No elastic or cutoff or walked off bottoms.
6. Sweatpants must be accompanied by appropriate footwear. No flip-flops in winter or house slippers.
7. Sweatpants must be worn with an appropriate sized top. No oversized sweatshirts or undersized tank tops.
8. All mid-riff skin must be concealed, even when bending over to fetch the super size of cat litter or less popular flavors of Ben & Jerry's.
9. No whale tail's. EVER.
10. No panty lines
11. No camel toes.
12. You hair must be neat and presentable, not look like you just rolled out of bed. 
13. The only, only, ONLY exception to these rules is if you just busted your ass at the gym. If you're sweaty & disheveled because you just hit the gym and hit it hard, go ahead, walk around tall and proud in your nasty stinky sweats and show all the meth-headed-making-babies-for-the-state-check people what sweatpants were made for.

Lazy is never an excuse to wear sweatpants in public.