Thursday, November 10, 2011

On Sweatpants and the Grocery Mart

When I was living in a small town, there were stores the normal people went to and the store the meth-headed-making-babies-for-the-state-check people went to. We shall not name names. I joked I wasn't qualified to go there because I never had proof of copulation. Really. People went in their semen smear pajamas and 3 day old beards with baby guts hanging over their sweatpants. I could never bring myself to dress appropriately.
To this day I firmly believe it is not okay to wear sweatpants outside of the house after the age of 24 or giving birth. Or if you're a man who doesn't plan to live in your mom's basement all your life. NO SWEATPANTS IN PUBLIC.

Truth? I wear sweatpants outside the house. 

Readers, I have my reasons. 
  • I leave for work at 5:30 AM
  • The first thing I do at work is take a shower for biosecurity purposes.
  • The last thing I do at work is take a shower.
  • 50% of the time I'm headed to my other job where I will change into my uniform. 
  • 40% of the time I'm headed home to get dressed in pretty clothes to go out or to change into "studio clothes to work on a project that is messy.
The problem is in the other 10% of the time when I might run an errand after work.

So I have rules.

The rules for sweatpants outside the house are as follows.
  1. Sweatpants must be black.
  2. Sweatpants must be clean.
  3. Track pants and basketball shorts are not sweatpants and should never be worn in public. Even if you're a pimp or multi-platinum rap artist or professional basketball player off the court.
  4. Active pants (yoga pants) fall into the same category as sweatparnts.
  5. Sweatpants must have a flat hem. No elastic or cutoff or walked off bottoms.
  6. Sweatpants must be accompanied by appropriate footwear. No flip-flops in winter or house slippers.
  7. Sweatpants must be worn with an appropriate sized top. No oversized sweatshirts or undersized tank tops.
  8. All mid-riff skin must be concealed, even when bending over to fetch the super size of cat litter or less popular flavors of Ben & Jerry's.
  9. No whale tail's. EVER.
  10. No panty lines
  11. No camel toes.
  12. You hair must be neat and presentable, not look like you just rolled out of bed. 
  13. The only, only, ONLY exception to these rules is if you just busted your ass at the gym. If you're sweaty & disheveled because you just hit the gym and hit it hard, go ahead, walk around tall and proud in your nasty stinky sweats and show all the meth-headed-making-babies-for-the-state-check people what sweatpants were made for.
Lazy is never an excuse to wear sweatpants in public.