Saturday, May 16, 2009

Prayer Answered

I prayed last night, really hard. This morning, I woke up, and the answer was clear. Amazingly clear. I'm happy, which is why I don't like the answer. *SIGH* I need to be not just content, but happy where I am at right now, and I've got to sit back and let the next wave roll in, standing ankle deep in foam, wiggling my toes in the sand, until the time is right.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Why Keroauc Isn't Taught in Schools (Or at least in any schools I went to)

If you knew me during college you were probably aware that I had a not so secret dream of being a street artist. Ready Keroauc leaves me all wanderlusty, wanting to drop everything, forget all responsibilities and just go go go. Part of me hates Keroauc, for being "successful" at being unsuccessful. Yes, I know he was filled with self loathing and had lots of mommy issues.

Being at this crossroads once again has me wondering if I am doing the right thing looking for the paychecks in fields where I would be using my degree and have opportunities for upward mobility and steady income. As a person of faith (weak or strong, take your pick) I know there is a plan for me. What it is I do not know. This is contrary to my homeostatis. I do know I have to re-examine my situation, with prayer, not for answers, but for patience and the courage to continue when everything in me wants to quit. That vacation I was looking forward to last week? I'm looking for another one. I keep putting dates out there: the first float, the next float, the float after that, maybe going home to see the family, hopefully Carmelo will have a chance to come out and visit. I'm always putting something (or the possibility of something) in front of me to look forward to.

I need to remember I'm still young. By best estimates I'm about 30% of the way through my life, and the first 20% doesn't really count. SOOOOOOOO I have to be thankful daily for each day, face my tasks with a smile, and only occasionally can I curl into a ball and bawl my eyes out because this isn't what I wanted.

Monday, May 11, 2009

This Past Weekend

This weekend was originally planned as a belated drunken Cinco de Mayo celebration.
I needed a break. I'm job hunting, dread going to work the few hours I'm scheduled, and am more sedentary than I want to be. I was going to go away to read and sit by the fire and drink and hike up to the hot springs and just relax for 3 days out of range of cell phone service, without internet access.

Instead it turned into a weekend filled with friends' children and wholesome fun and lots of cooking. Thankfully, above all, it was drama free, and everyone avoided dwelling on the things that are not going smoothly back in town. Car trouble left me relying on friends for transportation, and I'm back in town a day early.

After this weekend, I'm more willing to move away from town into a one room cabin. My friend laughs at my desire to have a washer, dryer, dishwasher and clawfoot tub in that one room cabin. Refridgerator, water closet, and range and oven are a given. A loft for sleeping and reading. A large table, and shelves and seating area. Is there really anything else I really need?

The best feeling was falling asleep last night, after hiking and spending time in the hot springs, a hot shower, a little beer and food, time by the fire, and the electricity in my body changed from the erratic pulsating nearly painful current across my back to a warm gentle buzz/hum.

I'm dreading work Tuesday, and I don't like the fact I have to suck it up and fake happiness to get through the work day. I had a chance to think about what would make me happy, careerwise, and there are elements of what I am doing now that I would enjoy. The elements missing from what I should be doing are having my hours cut, a loss of my office (that's right, they took away my office) and the struggle to "teach" people unable and uninterested in learning and enrichment and interaction and who have given up and are set in their ways and don't listen.