If you knew me during college you were probably aware that I had a not so secret dream of being a street artist. Ready Keroauc leaves me all wanderlusty, wanting to drop everything, forget all responsibilities and just go go go. Part of me hates Keroauc, for being "successful" at being unsuccessful. Yes, I know he was filled with self loathing and had lots of mommy issues.
Being at this crossroads once again has me wondering if I am doing the right thing looking for the paychecks in fields where I would be using my degree and have opportunities for upward mobility and steady income. As a person of faith (weak or strong, take your pick) I know there is a plan for me. What it is I do not know. This is contrary to my homeostatis. I do know I have to re-examine my situation, with prayer, not for answers, but for patience and the courage to continue when everything in me wants to quit. That vacation I was looking forward to last week? I'm looking for another one. I keep putting dates out there: the first float, the next float, the float after that, maybe going home to see the family, hopefully Carmelo will have a chance to come out and visit. I'm always putting something (or the possibility of something) in front of me to look forward to.
I need to remember I'm still young. By best estimates I'm about 30% of the way through my life, and the first 20% doesn't really count. SOOOOOOOO I have to be thankful daily for each day, face my tasks with a smile, and only occasionally can I curl into a ball and bawl my eyes out because this isn't what I wanted.