congratulations

to all of you who didn't eat to much and had a fabulous time with friends or family and aren't left at home watching depressing war movies. I ate too much, I didn't spend it with family and I hate war movies, especially with chubby baby faced actors.

It's weird seeing Queen Latifah rap again.

I just finished my second batch of soap, after trying to melt down the first batch. The second batch, I beleive, was more sucessful, but there's no guarentee. Now to start work making lotion bars and body scrubs. I think I really did take off my fingerprints with the lye this time, as I spilled 1/2 the batch over the countertop.
Not that I've been consistant with blogging, but I'll be less consistant as I have 3-4 more shifts at work in the evening. Sleep and work, sleep and work.

Hello Blog.

it's been a long time. I've got my recipes for soap ready, a lotion recipe, and a scrub recipe. Now I need $$ and to get my shit together so I can get my dad's present done too! The brother in law and hope to be future brother in law's present is well underway too. I've done decent on the diet too, and turns out I really like curry. Work blows, need to keep plugging away on those applications for OSU so I can blow this joint.

Very Productive Weekend!

There's still one day left.

I spent all day saturday wandering through all the second hand stores in Roseburg. I found some good alternate gifts, if the soap making doesn't work out. There's some good birthday gift ideas on the sideline now. I also found 100% lye for soap making.

I got roped into a birthday dinner at a chain restaurants with balloons and brightly colored blended drinks. The restaurant has those, not the birthday girl. We drank beer. Like adults. Lonely single adults. In a restaurant where I ran into the woman I thought was going to be my sister-in-law. With her adorable children I haven't seen in a while, who used to crawl in my lap and tell me stories.

First bar, was fine, trying to catch the score from the football game. Second bar, huge urge to drink and text/dial. Made it to the third bar, and had fun, forgot the urge to drink and dial.

Today there was no hangover (thank you gin) and a very clean kitchen after church. That's right, I went to church, because over dinner Sarah surprised me with "we should go to church". I'm never one to tell people they shouldn't go to church, so I agreed, given we went to the church I chose. She wants to go to meet nice men. I argued we're going to find peace with God.
She texted this morning, her eye was swollen shut, she wasn't going. So I went by myself. It was horrible. I was looking at the clock after twenty minutes of the opening worship. The band was musically talented, but lifeless, minus the token enthusiastic woman, saying "Yes Lord" into the microphone during prayer. The preacher was decent, but there was no connection for me.

So I cleaned the kitchen. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. We'll try the church thing again next week. Maybe I'll vacuum the couch and scrub the ceiling if it doesn't go well.

A nice HOT shower

What I wouldn't give for a HOT Pressurized shower, the kind that leaves scalding bruises. I can feel the presence of knots in my shoulders right beside my neck. If I were to receive a deep shoulder rub my knees would give out.

Yeah...

I'm not walking today. Tomorrow. Promise.

Headache caused by the childish behavior and griping at work (I wish I could say I worked in an elementary school, or any school for that matter, but alas). I feel less bad about applying for the position in Corvallis. Gritting my teeth and fighting headaches every week isn't healthy.

No one reads this...

...which isn't surprising, because it's 5 days old and I don't plan to tell anyone about it. So I can announce that I'm applying for a job in Corvallis, confident no one from work will see it. A good thing to do when you leave work at in the afternoon and dread arriving the next day. At the same time I'm also looking at classes for next semester. I gotta do something. Tomorrow, if the temperature is above 50, I will go for a walk with the camera. I am accountable to you empty blogosphere. I intended to do so today, but I hadn't eaten yet, and when I got home from work I ate and slept for 3 hours. Bad habit. So in between work and work I will go for a walk. The forecast is favorable.

3rd Time is a Charm

So, Halloween, I broke it off with a guy I'd been seeing. I was hoping to never hear from him, but I have a constant reminder in the form of a steak knife in the dishwasher, left over from a camping trip. Last night I was woken up 3 times by text messages from this guy. 1st about how wonderful I am, he's sorry, wishing me well. 2nd reassuring me he wasn't suicidal, after i forgave him and asked if he was suicidal 3rd asking me to watch a movie. I only responded to the first 2, but I'd like to get rid of the steak knife. If it was his I'd just throw it out, but it belongs to his sister in law.
My boss just wants me to be sure I don't go back to this guy.
The reason for breaking it off doesn't matter, but after I did, I was relieved to have a reason to end it with him, because the more I thought about it, the more he was not the man I wanted to spend my life with, or my time. I shouldn't be afraid to do that sooner in the future. In retrospect, I should have been willing to do that with Brian without looking back when he didn't take me to the doctor when I had a horrible infection and surgery 2 months after we started dating. I didn't because I had just been laid off. But that should have been a clue he wasn't what I wanted. And that should be a constant reminder that I'm better off without him.
I tell myself the thing that really bothers me is that he traded down shortly after we ended things, for a grungy emo divorced baby mama, who, when I saw her last summer, at the time they started dating, looked 6 months pregnant. If it was his child, he cheated on me. If it wasn't why would you date a pregnant woman? If she wasn't pregnant, why did she look that way?
In the beginning of 2008 I thought this year had to be better than 2007, but I think I was wrong, very wrong. I'm not even attempting dating a 3rd man within this year, and if I do I'm not going to be afraid to walk away if I think it's in my best interest.

Why

Watching Ted Turner on David Letterman, I've reached the conclusion I would be more likely to vote for Ted Turner than John McCain. Age difference, one year. Hey, look, not all old guys are slimy! Thanks Ted, I feel better about your generation. And I love sailing too.

Didn't need the wine tonight

So did the dumb thing, and stayed up til 4am watching movies (2/3 I'd already seen, and Family Guy Star Wars, didn't need to see that again) and slept til noon. Then showered, got out of the shower and realized I hadn't washed my hair or scrubbed my body. I couldn't remember what I had done in the shower. But I was dressed and ready to go when Sarah arrived, but I forgot my camera so I could take a picture of Brix 527. So I'm going to hold off on writing about the place of the week until next week. By the time I got home, I was ready for a nap, which I tried to do in front of the TV, but ended up upstairs, sleeping 3 hours.

And in that 3 hours I had crazy dreams. About the ex, breaking into his apartment, and cleaning, and cooking, and taking care of things with my current roommate and random people from the bar that I didn't even talk to at the bar. And it wasn't really even his apartment, it was a dirty dingy version of my first apartment in this town. Why was I cleaning, why was Joe cooking? And the crazy bar people? They were the druggie friends of Brian's new girlfriend. All I was worried about was making the place better for Brian's daughter, and sneaking out of there. 6 months later, a year after the start of the breakdown, and I'm still concerned with the well being of his daughter, I still feel like I should be there to protect her from dirty dishes and dirty sheets, and cluttered living rooms, and inappropriate house guests. It's less than a month to her birthday, and I need to find a suitable present to drop off with her great aunt.
The whole thing/dream/situation/heartbreak is a little effed up.

So big question before I go back to work in the morning: was my weekend productive in any way? I baked cookies, bought highlighters for work, aided my supervisor over the phone, did a little homework, and napped. If I'm really good, I can get my rooms cleaned and vacuumed before Conan. Let's hope.

Those Ah-carumba Moments

When your fuming, frustrated, on the verge of tears, and you want to scream and yell, and talk about it, and when you have the chance, you can't say it. It only adds to your frustration and dissipates your passion at the same time. If you can't articulate it can you really feel it? That's not a fair question to ask, considering my clientele. But I think that's the point when people start to lose themselves, the inability to express their anger (or joy) isolates them, and their spirit dies a little.

Denver

Right now, I’m missing being in Denver. I don’t actually like Denver, as a concept, yuppies, and planning commissioners that contribute to the downfall of the housing market, and countless Targets and Walmarts and box stores all in the row.
Maybe I’m missing a making money, but not the job, and friends ready to go out at a drop of the hat, and crazy boutiques and vintage stores, and a lively nightlife, and good restaurants and interesting people. I could have those things here if I went out more.
I found Kruse farms 2 weeks ago, conveniently closer than Brosi, and the smell alone was enough to make me smile and not want to leave. It’s not the Cherry Creek Shopping District, or Sunflower Markets, or the Vance Kirkland Museum, but I was happy in Roseburg. I should go out once a week and find a new wonderful place nearby and write about it here. With a picture. Tomorrow morning coffee shop/breakfast place of preference.

Harsh

Harsh

I’ve wasted an entire Sunday reading, when I could be writing, drawing, painting, walking, exercising, taking care of homework, job hunting, a thousand productive things. Spending a day this way often ends with disappointment in myself for not doing anything listed above. Today’s disappointment was also fueled by a realization that I’m ready to admit I want to be a wife and mother.

Hello World, my name is Katie and I want to be a mommy.

Oops. Just spilled my guts in the first post of a new blog. Hello reoccurring theme.

Yes, world I know the proper and productive and healthy thing to do is to occupy myself with productive activities that make me feel fulfilled, so I don’t focus on my lack of spousal/father prospects. Writing about this subject doesn’t qualify as one of those activities.

Learning to knit socks, going down to the local ______ Club to apply to volunteer, and hopping on the excercise machine for a couple hours in front of the TV tonight, going for coffee tomorrow morning with friend Sarah, all very productive. Stop by the library. Also productive.

I should finish the afghan, scarf and handbag before I start the socks. I just threw socks out there because my feet are cold. My feet are cold because I’m not wearing socks, and the roommate likes the house cold, and doesn’t like paying the heating bills.

More on that later.