Monday, April 19, 2010

What it is like to run (as me)

Okay, I use the term "run" loosely. I try. Give me credit.

Here is the recipe.

Take 2 large latex balloons (or condoms, I hear they can hold 10 gallons of fluid, as if that was necessary, ever). Pour in 4-6 cups of quick set jello. Tie off, removing any air inside. Before the jello sets, attach it to the waist band of your undies near the tag in back. Heft the bulk of the balloons over each should past your ear, stretching out the balloon material, so the majority of the mass is centered over your own nipples. Stand there, and wait for the jello to set up. If you can stand in a walk in cooler, like the beer cooler at the convenience store, it will set faster.

Yes, the latex stretched over your shoulders will start to dig in and cause pain. That's the point of this activity. So you will experience and understand. Once the jello is firm(ish) stuff all 8-12 cups of semi-solid material into a sports bra that bruises the flesh under the band because it is so tight. The point is that your "girls" don't slip out under the band. Now put on 2 more painfully tight sportsbras. You may feel that the jello is crushing your ribs, compressing your lungs, about to crawl up and smother your face. This is normal. Now attempt to run in this condition.

So it has been since I was 11 or 12. Except I didn't wear 3 when I was 12 and they were too big to be effective at holding everything as tightly as they should, so in essence pointless, so I quit sports! Dumb thing to do, now I'm chubby.

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