Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Now what?


I've fallen off the wagon. Off my own personal wagon. Last December I heard the voice of God, clear as day, in my head. I was at church, a church I didn't want to go to, with a friend I no longer trust, the day before I was to fly out to visit family for a month, the first time I would be with family for the holidays since 2005.
"It's time."
It's time to move home.
I broke down. Crying. In the middle of a congregation that wasn't my church family.
I spent the next month job hunting in the state with the worst economy, highest unemployment rate, but, in what I beleive is the region with the most potential. I went to interviews, some encouraging, some disheartening.
I returned to Oregon, and moved all my stuff from where it had been stored, and from the friend's house where I had been staying, back to Joe. I would be staying there with the hope of finding a job in Michigan by April first. By the time I finished unpacking I had a phone interview with a company I had applied with online a day or so before I came back. A week later I called back to follow up, and told them I'd be willing to work anything, even hours pieced together from different jobs here and there. I could be in Holland by Febuary 1st to fill out the paperwork.
And I was.
I left a bunch of my belongings, giving most of it away. I packed what I could, said goodbye, got a $$ transfer to pay for gas, and Jenna and I hopped in the car and headed east.

Without a map.
I drove 3 days, 2225 miles, and arrived around midnight Sunday January 31.
So now I'm working that job, 6 days a week, plus substitute teaching, and trying to start a legitimate career as an artist.
For a month after I got home, I had trouble getting out of bed each day. Life was supposed to be better after I got home. I did things that should have been wonderful, steps towards what I wanted my life to be like. But it didn't help.
Then I realized I wasn't serving the Lord with my daily activities. So I had to make the decision to try harder.
And I am. I'm trying harder. I'm attempting to do "art" everyday, whether it's working on a painting, using my pinhole camera, etching the favors for my sister's wedding, or working creating stuff to get into a shop somewhere, so one day that elusive 'first sale' can happen.
I'm church shopping. Whole other story.
But I don't feel the connection I had when I was driving, that feeling like I was following God's will for my life.
What am I supposed to do now?
Continue this way for how long? What should I be doing to make it better?
The traditional measures of success aren't important to me. Owning a house? Don't care to. Nicer car? Nah. Bigger bank account? Maybe. Husband and kids? Would be nice, but there's no "how to" for achieving this.
So now what?
Sit. Listen. Wait. Be patient. I never expected to hear His Voice so clearly. But if it happened once, it can happen again. Right?
*The image at the beginning is from PostSecret.com on 5.16.10.

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