I'm just preoccupied. The to do list is pulling at me. I feel guilty if I'm not working on something. TV? I feel bad about myself for watching it. Books? Take to much time. Time with friends? There must be something I'm neglecting in order to have fun.
Where does this guilt come from. It's the same feeling I felt when I was job hunting or in school procrastinating on homework. It feels like I could be doing a better job at living life. Fail. I fail.
I went to the B&G Club yesterday to see about volunteering. I'm hesitant. A commitment. I don't feel ready to make any kind of commitment. Should I? Good people volunteer. If I don't am I a bad person?
I'm ready to admit defeat. I cried today because I slept through my alarm & missed a hair appointment. My sister was okay with it, just worried. I haven't done that in weeks (months?).
I'm starting to look for a new job, where I might get paid enough to get myself out of this hole I'm in. Day job means no more substitute teaching. Can I suffer through the nights in order to keep doing that? Is it worth it? I could keep a couple nights part time until things are square, but at what cost to my dreams.
What do I dream about any more?
I don't know.